


the sum of all my broken parts

by youareoldfatherwilliam



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Eventual Katara/Zuko (Avatar), F/M, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Non-Graphic Violence, Slow Burn, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, canon-divergent towards the end, mostly canon-compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 03:09:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18769990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youareoldfatherwilliam/pseuds/youareoldfatherwilliam
Summary: Zuko's life has never been easy; but with time, he finds that it's worth it





	1. Prologue: so hear my battle cry

**Author's Note:**

> So, some things before I post this thing that was-only-supposed-to-be-three-chapters-but-Zuko-wouldn't-let-me-stop:
> 
> This is very much a Zuko-centric piece, because I find that I can never get enough of those. The Zutara is there, and it is endgame because I love it very much (though there are references to Kataang and Maiko), but it is very slow-burn. If you came only for the Zutara, fair warning: this may not be your cup of tea. 
> 
> That being said, it is mostly canon-compliant-ish, up until close to to the end of the Sozin's comet arc, at which point I diverge a bit. The comics are largely ignored (shudders), though a few small bits have found their way in, mostly relating to Zuko's childhood. This piece follows Zuko before the series, throughout, and a little bit afterwards. 
> 
> It is rated m to be safe, although honestly it's probably closer to t, but I digress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Battle Cry" by Beth Crowley
> 
> Also, disclaimer: I own nothing

When he is born, his father tries to throw him off the palace roof.

It is his mother who saves him, of course. The child was born in the height of winter after a long, hard labor, and the sages say that he will have a weak heart, that he will not bend; but Ursa fights for her newborn son. Ozai wants a firebending prodigy. He rages that the boy does not have the spark. Ursa convinces him that he is still just a babe; that he will grow; that he will be the greatest prince the Fire Nation has ever seen.

***

When he is two, his younger sister is born.

Azula came out of the womb with sparks at the tip of her fingers, screaming her lungs off, under the blazing dawn of a hot midsummer morning. At this age, the madness has not yet begun to creep into her eyes; though it does not go unnoticed by anyone that Ozai spends inordinate amounts of time staring at his new daughter, far more than he ever watched his son.

***

When he is three, he almost drowns.

The waves swallow him up, even as he clutches the turtle-crab weakly in his arms. Panicking, he still cannot let the animal go; uncertain whether the eagle-hawk will try to snatch it the instant he does. Distantly, he can hear his mother screaming and his sister crying. Strong arms pull him from the ocean. When he coughs, and opens his eyes, Ozai is holding him in his arms, an ear bent to his chest. He is too weak to resist as his father flippantly plucks the turtle-crab out of his hands and sends it into the sea.

***

When he is five, Azula bends for the first time.

She sets him on fire; perhaps even then, it was a sign. It is an accident while they play in the palace gardens; pale orange comes out of the tips of her fingers and catches on the ends of his small phoenix tail. Fortunately, his mother is nearby. She puts the flames out quickly, making sure he is alright, before looking to Azula. Ozai is already there, having picked up his daughter, and is carefully inspecting the flames that are still emerging from her chubby toddler’s hands. Azula does not cry at the sight; her burnished-copper eyes are staring into the fire, entranced. Ozai holds up his hands, and produces a flame next to hers.

***

When he is six, he first picks up a pair of dao blades.

His father never smiles at him anymore, not that he smiled much to begin with. At this age, despite not being directly in line for the throne, he is still of royal blood; the fact that he cannot bend is shameful. The sages whisper and everyone shakes their heads behind his back. He is too young to fully understand the whispers, but he grasps the meaning. He sneaks into the weapons room one day, hoping to practice making fire, but instead his eye is caught by the pair of swords hanging on the wall. He creeps toward them with as much stealth as a six-year-old can muster and draws them from their scabbard.

Later, much later, it is Lu Ten who finds him, having cut himself on the sharp edges, yet still swinging the swords around. It is Lu Ten who, at the age of 21 is the perfect crown prince and the pride of the Fire Nation, who still has time for his tenacious younger cousin. It is Lu Ten who brings him to Master Piandao, a non-bender, who agrees to teach the little prince how to fight with blades. It is Lu Ten, who some years later, declares that his cousin is a prodigy with the sword.

***

When he is seven, he bends for the first time.

The flames surprise him, coming out of his hands, but soon he cannot look away. Golden eyes stare into the fire, cupping it between his palms. Distantly, he hears someone coming around the corner; it is Azula, still unsteady on her feet, holding the hand of Lu Ten. Feet move towards him and he hears a gasp, as Lu Ten’s palm comes to rest on his shoulder. Words are spoken, but later he cannot recall any of them, only the smile on Lu Ten’s face; the curiosity on Azula’s; the pride on Mother’s; the blankness on Ozai’s.

***

When he is nine, his father tells him he was lucky to be born.

It is a normal night at the dinner table, as normal as the Royal Family ever gets. At the head of the table, Ozai sits in silence, listening as his daughter regales him with tales of her firebending prowess. Ursa listens to her son, who tells her quietly of the progress he has made with the dao, of the fact that his music teachers say his mastery of the tsungi horn is improving, of the fact that Firebending Master Kunyo says he has made a little advancement. Azula interjects; calling Kunyo a fool, recommending that he be sent away. (At this age, his sister’s cruelty is growing, but he is not yet used to seeing it in her; last week she burned him because she could, and when he told his mother, Azula did it again). When he protests, his father tells him to never contradict his sister; that Azula was born lucky, and he was lucky to be born.

(He never forgets these words. Years later, on a frozen tundra, he cannot help but recall them as he struggles, yet again, to survive the impossible.)

***

When he is ten, his uncle gives him a knife.

Made in Earth Kingdom- it is a tiny thing, only slightly too big for the hands of a child who has not yet reached puberty. He glances at the front inscription and reads it aloud, then swings it, trying to fit the motions to what he has learned from fighting with swords. He does not see Uncle Iroh very much these days; all he knows is that Uncle is away, fighting a glorious battle for their country, and that his cousin has gone to join the fight. Across the room, Azula comments on the potential deaths of Uncle, of Lu Ten. Mother reprimands her, but Azula simply snorts, and sets her doll on fire.

Later that night in his room, he goes over the front inscription again. _Never give up without a fight_.

***

When he is eleven, he becomes the Crown Prince.

The letter arrives innocuously, but when she reads it, his mother falls to tears. At first, the words do not comprehend in his brain; how can Lu Ten be gone? Lu Ten is warm hugs, and mock sword fighting, and laughter, and encouragement. Later, as he attempts to distract himself with his blade, Azula mocks Uncle Iroh, mocks Lu Ten. He is ready to fight her, but before he can, their mother appears, calling them to audience with Firelord Azulon.

The audience does not go well and he runs away afterwards, scared and confused. In his room that night, Azula comes to taunt him, to whisper words that are edged with truth and sharp enough to make him bleed. He repeats what has become his mantra: _Azula always lies_. Mother comes to save him again, calling Azula away, leaving him alone in the dark.

(In the night, he hears a soft whisper. _Never forget who you are_.)

In the morning, his mother is gone.

***

When he is twelve, Uncle tries to teach him Pai Sho.

He has withdrawn into himself, not that he had any friends to begin with, but since his mother left, he rarely speaks to anyone, anymore. The prince spends most of his time brooding, practicing his dao, practicing his firebending (he tries to beat Azula, but he never can), and studying hard in the library on the policies of his nation. His dedication to his country has become fervent; knowing that he will one day ascend to the throne has given him greater purpose. Despite this, every day he goes to feed the turtle ducks in the pond by himself. Iroh sees this one day, sees the not-grown nephew whom he does not know anymore, sees a chance to make things right. (Iroh is not ignorant to how his brother has treated his nephew as of late, but he hopes that in time, the younger brother that he remembers will extend a kinder hand towards his wayward nephew). Iroh takes the Pai Sho board to the water.

Gold eyes look up at his uncle, offering a hesitant smile (he loves his uncle, but does not know how to talk to him lately, as Uncle tends to retreat often to his room, drinking tea and meditating). When Uncle sets the board down, the prince picks up the tiles, confused; is this not a game for senior citizens? Gamblers? Peasants with nothing better to do? For a few rounds, he tries to pick it up, but grows steadily frustrated with the abstract concepts. Uncle sighs, and begins to correct him again, but the wrong name slips out, twisting in the suddenly still air.

 _Lu Ten is dead_.

***

When he is thirteen, he is banished.

(All he remembers seeing are flames, then blessed darkness. All he heard was the silence of the crowd, broken by the sharp laugh of his sister. All he could smell was his own burning flesh, could taste charred meat in his mouth. All he could feel was the pain, so much pain; white hot fire burning through his everything).

When he wakes up, he is on a ship, surrounded by men three times his age who have all been dishonored in some way. The only familiar sight is his uncle, who tells him in a sorrowful voice of the mission that will become his life; his new purpose; his way home. It is Uncle who puts the mute prince to sleep that night, who for the next six months, helps the prince change the bandages, who watches as the prince shaves his head, who brings the boy tea and helps to command the respect of an unruly crew who cannot stand to follow the harsh, confusing orders of a barely-pubescent child.

***

When he is sixteen, he spots a glowing pillar of light beyond the harsh icebergs of the South Pole.


	2. Chapter 1: i'm out for blood to claim what's mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter (and for the ones that follow), there will not be a ton of world building. It follows Zuko throughout the series, so I am building atop the world that is already there, adding on to pre-existing scenes.
> 
> Chapter title is from "Battle Cry" by Beth Crowley

The Avatar is just a child.

Over the past three years, he has hunted the legendary being across the world, visited countless towns, traveled to the remotest of places in the hopes of finding the Avatar (He does not dwell on the fact that it was sheer dumb luck that brought him to find him now; he chooses to view the child in front of him as his destiny). He exhales, forcing his qi to flow through him, trying to remember his basics; he cannot afford to make a mistake. From the corners of the vision in his right eye (his left has limited sight, these days), he sees a pair of blue eyes glaring at him, next to the old woman he grabbed earlier to intimidate the gathered peasants.

Her hatred means nothing to him; her eyes are not the first to have hated him, and they will not be the last.

He wins the fight through sheer luck, due to the Avatar’s bleeding-heart; a long-forgotten part of him is sickened by his own actions, but then practicality wins out, whispering that after almost three long years, he will finally set foot on the shores of his homeland again.

***

The Avatar has no honor.

He stares angrily at the wreckage of his ship, buried under a mountain of ice and snow. He doesn’t know why he’s surprised; after all, one can hardly expect a child to fully comprehend what it means to give an oath. Still, the fact that the boy was the Avatar had him fooled into thinking that his word meant something. Next time, he will not be taken in by the child’s face; he will not listen to demands; he will tie the child up in the hull, so that there can be no escape, no false promises, no tricks.

***

The Avatar leaves him in the wreckage of a burning town.

As the bison leaves Kyoshi island, he willfully turns his back on the destruction. Part of him wants to blame the child but deeper still, he knows that this is his fault. He was not decisive enough, not quick enough, and the Avatar has eluded him again. He ignores the stares of the townspeople, who accuse him from where they have gathered, trying to put out the fire. It is the first time he has truly caused such destruction; previously, having never actually found the Avatar, his disturbances to locals were far milder, and his conscience prickles. Still, he reasons, there is nothing he can do to truly help them, and if they (and the Avatar) had merely cooperated, none of this would be happening. He leaves to follow the Avatar’s trail (and if he leaves a small sack of silver in the chief’s house that Uncle had brought for the journey out of his own royal coffers, no one needs to know).

***

The Avatar allowed his escape from his homeland.

He is not naïve; he knows that had the Avatar not essentially destroyed Roku’s temple, there is little chance he would have escaped the Fire Nation without Zhao bringing him back in chains. It prickles at the back of his mind, the fact that Zhao was so eager to return him to his father. He knows that he is banished, but he also knows that his father allowed him this mission as a chance the prove himself; his father will not take him back until he can complete the task. But Zhao has always been a pig-chicken’s arsehole, and this time was no different. It only renews his determination. Avatar or not, he will capture the boy, and he will return victorious, ready to take his place on the throne. He will not let his father, let his country, down.

***

The Avatar comes to save the waterbender.

He knew it was coming, yet it still irks him, that the boy managed to elude him. Not only that, but in the process, he lost his ship to horrid, filthy pirates; all he is left with is the blue Water Tribe necklace, still wrapped around his wrist. In the back of his mind, he cannot get the girl’s eyes out of his head. She had feared him (and a small, mostly-dead part of him refuses to acknowledge what that meant) but been defiant, and desperate to have the trinket returned to her. He is not a fool; his past time in the palace library means that he knows it is a traditional betrothal necklace; yet the girl seemed far too young. Perhaps her intended is fighting in the war somewhere, though nowhere in the records did it ever state that the Southern Tribe carried on the Northern tradition. Either way, it is of little consequence to him. The girl is a barely trained, incompetent bender, worse even than him, and she is hardly a hindrance in his path to capture the Avatar.

***

The Avatar flees into the eye of the hurricane.

He watches the boy go, still reeling from the harshness of the storm that surges around them. Uncle stands at his side; though Iroh does not say anything, he knows his uncle is proud of him. The thought makes him feel disjointed; he let the Avatar go, the ship has been damaged and needs repairs; why is Iroh smiling? His father would have aimed a fire-whip at him, a casual display of cruelty meant to remind him of his place, of his duties. But then, his body is full of scars, none of which have ever come from Iroh; his uncle’s manipulations have always been of the more proverbial, emotional variety anyways.

***

The Avatar tried to be his friend.

Even as he feels the weak fireball fizzle out around him, the airbender already vanished into the tree line, he cannot wrap his mind around the concept. Was the foolish child unable to grasp basic strategy? Entering the fortress had felt _good_ , whispering to parts of himself that had not been exercised properly under the influence of cold, salt-crusted metal. Evading the guards was a game, and scaring the Avatar even as he freed him had amused him to no end. (He refuses to dwell on the parts of himself that whisper _traitor_ ). But the boy, stupid boy, had insisted on chasing frozen frogs even as they ran for their lives. The stupid boy had fought side by side by side with him, had saved him a few times, he knows, had dragged him to safety after he was knocked out by the Yuyan (he’ll have to brush up on his skills), had removed the mask. Had stayed, even after he’d seen who was under the mask. The melancholy in a child’s voice, of downcast grey eyes staring hopefully into his own stays with him, even after he slips back aboard his ship.

***

The Avatar is in love with the waterbender.

He knows that he’s never been the best at reading people’s emotions; look at him, paralyzed in a heap with his uncle and a cranky bounty hunter, and he cannot understand _why is June reciprocating? Stop, Uncle, for the love of Agni, I’m right here!_ But it had been plain as day, written in the lines that screamed possession as the boy took back the necklace from his wrist, had rushed to defend the waterbender (who he notes, has improved slightly; the perfume was a good trick). Cynically, he wonders how this will end; it is clear she views the child as some minor deity. He has not forgotten the mild reverence in her voice as she told him that _Aang_ would come, even as the voice held a growing fondness for the boy. The part of him that watched plays with his mother, that used to read romantic scrolls and cried at happy endings thinks that it is almost a shame he must capture the boy before he can see how this story plays out.

(He tries not to think on how his wrist feels a tiny bit colder, now).

***

The Avatar is ahead of him, somewhere on the frozen tundra.

His entire body aches, and he knows that he is not yet recovered from the explosion. Zhao, that traitorous, slimy, eel-snake tried to have him killed; had as good as confirmed it, trying to entice Iroh aboard his fleet so soon after the prince’s “death”. His ribs are wrapped, and he thinks one of them is at least a tiny bit cracked, but he is no stranger to pain. Underneath his guard’s helmet his mind is spinning, trying to formulate a proper plan. He cannot mount an attack on the North (even with this size of a fleet, part of him doubts that Zhao can do it; there is a reason that the North has remained impenetrable for one hundred years), yet he must somehow get in, get the boy out, steal a ship, and make his way back to the Fire Nation without anyone noticing. The task is daunting; but then, he did not get this far by backing down.

***

The Avatar has captured him.

When he wakes, it is dimly, tied up in the back of a saddle atop the air bison. His ribs scream in protest (he knows that one is now cracked for certain, possibly broken). The waterbender has improved greatly; he knows it was foolish to attack her surrounded by ice and snow, after his body has not had a chance to rest, but he also knows that he had no choice. When no one is watching, he takes his chance to burn through the flimsy rope, and flees into the snow.

***

The Avatar has destroyed the Fire Navy.

It is, he thinks distantly, the worst navel defeat in Fire Nation history. He and his uncle are floating aboard a stolen, barely seaworthy vessel, and all he can see are bodies, bodies, floating in the frozen waters. He had seen the monster for himself, had even foolishly tried to save Zhao from its clutches. But it is now, working his way through the wreckage, that he finds tears trying to run down his right cheek, even as his body screams at him to sleep, to conserve water, to shut the world out and forget.

It is his fault, he thinks. If only he had captured the child before such damage could be done; before Zhao could have gotten to the pole to try to slay a spirit; before thousands of his countrymen had been murdered in such a horrific way for a fire bender. He thinks that most of them did not even want to be here; conscription had become enacted during Azulon’s rule, and Ozai had increased the numbers drastically. (Distantly, he knows that a large-scale attack on the Northern Water Tribe was foolhardy to begin with, but all he can see are black-and-red bodies, facedown in the water, and he cannot help but ignore that detail).

It is his mistake, he thinks, and one that he desperately wishes he could take back.

***

The Avatar has eluded him, and he has no hope to ever go home again.


	3. Chapter 2: finally questioning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Battle Cry" by Beth Crowley

The first time Azula tries to kill him, it comes as a shock.

It isn’t as though she’s never hurt him before; not all the scars on his body come from his father after all (and some of the ones on his mind too), but she’s never properly tried to kill him. When the lightning comes for his face, he is too stunned to move. It is Uncle who jumps in front of him, who redirects the bolt away, who helps to drag him off the ship. The entire fight, Azula barely bent fire at all; it is an insult to his skill, and both royal siblings know it.

Later, after their escape, her words keep running through his mind- _why would father want you back?_ He tries to justify it to himself, but even he knows that he has always been a failure, and the North Pole only reminds him of his greatest shames.

***

The first time he steals something, it is not a necessity.

He tries to justify it to himself, but even he knows that Uncle and he could have walked a farther distance. He is unused to traveling on the bird; its jerky motions are so different from those of a ship, or the komodo-rhinos that he used to ride _don’t think about that_. Behind him, he can feel Uncle’s stern disapproval, even as the old man holds his tongue. Even farther behind him, he can feel the heartbreak in Song’s expression when she realizes that the scarred boy, with marks like hers, stole her ostrich-horse. Her family is not rich; the loss of the bird will hurt them, but even so they are healers in a war-ravaged world, so they will survive.

Later still, he tries to forget the compassion in her eyes when she spoke of scars; he does not have anything in common with an Earth Kingdom peasant girl, nothing except the marks on their skin.

***

The first time he feels truly alone, it is walking away from a tiny Earth Kingdom town.

He wishes that he could feel numb, could feel anything other than the storm of emotions that are tearing him apart and threatening to eat him up from the inside. He left Uncle, angry that the old man could not see why he continued to steal- they had nothing! Fire Nation royalty were not meant to steal, but then, neither were they meant to grovel in the dirt like peasants. Besides, he had gotten them some important items- was survival not more important than the hurt whims of peasants? (He refuses to think of soft brown eyes that had asked about his scars).

Coming across Lee and his family had been a boon; he knows that he was close to his limit, even as he pushed the ostrich-horse further, farther. Their kindness had been unexpected, and the way that Lee had gone for the dao was so familiar- _Lu Ten, he thinks_ -that he could not help but try to aid them, to get the boy back when the soldiers had gone for him. He remembers how good it had felt to call them cowards, bullies (even as his mind reminded him of flames burning in Kyoshi but then, he has never tried to pick fights with individual families has he? Kyoshi was unfortunate collateral, and he left silver, anyways). The need to firebend that grew as he got knocked down had overcome all rational thought, and it had felt good to let loose, to proudly proclaim his name, his title to the common folk.

His uncle used to wax poetic about how the mighty fall; as he puts his dagger back in his pocket- _I hate you!_ –he realizes that he finally grasps what his uncle meant, now when Iroh is no longer here.

***

The first time his Uncle seems like an old man, it is with a gaping lightning wound in the shoulder.

He sits in the old house, trying desperately to brew a pot of tea (it is a skill that he has never found the time to properly master). The Avatar and his companions have left and he is alone with Uncle, counting each rise and fall of the old man’s chest. The waterbender had offered to heal him but no, he cannot trust them (they destroyed the Fire Navy, he cannot forget), cannot trust anyone, this is _Uncle_. Dimly, he knows that the girl had huffed out a breath and stalked away, but he is too relieved that they are gone to try to puzzle the source of her ire.

Uncle is lying on a wooden cot, still, too still, and he cannot determine how long to let the tea steep for. Uncle does not look as though he will awaken anytime soon, yet he continues to make the tea, desperate for a distraction from his loneliness; his guilt; his anger.

Azula will pay, for this.

(Later, when the lightning refuses to touch him on a mountaintop, he will fall to his knees and scream until no more sound comes out).

***

The first time he pretends to be a refugee, it is on board an Earth Kingdom ferry.

Ba Sing Se has not yet come into sight, and distantly he thinks that he does not want it to. In the desert, it had been humiliating to be treated like a fugitive; to be chased like a pack of bear-wolves will hunt a baby moose-lion. Even then, he hadn’t wanted to accept his new status; even after all he has seen recently, he had still felt like prince, albeit one in ragged clothes. But here, aboard a ferry to an unknown city, he finally feels the gravity of his situation.

Near to him, Jet stands close, chewing on an ever-present piece of grass. He can’t deny that it felt good to exercise his skills with the other boy. Growing up, he never had any friends his own age, certainly none who he would ever have been able to spar with, to roughhouse with. Still though, he knows that they are not friends; he does not trust the so-called Freedom Fighter, and the nearness of the other boy is disconcerting. He can feel the sly looks that Jet keeps giving him, the frowns that Smellerbee is shooting in his direction, the emotionless calm on Longshot’s face. The fact that he is here, with these peasants, only serves to depress him further. He turns away from the railing of the ship and goes to find Uncle, leaving the three alone.

Later, after they fight, he cannot forget the hatred in the other boy’s eyes. Even as he pretends to be one of them he will never fit in, not truly.

***

The first time he goes on a date, it is with a peasant girl.

In the Fire Nation, he was aware that Mai had fancied him, in the schoolyard way of a little girl, but he had never had the time, nor the interest, in reciprocating. Additionally, he was royalty- it was likely that he would eventually end up in an arranged marriage. Mai had been pleasant to be around, as a child, and a part of him wonders if they could have ever been more; but here he is, on a date with an Earth Kingdom peasant.

He does not wish to be here. Jin seems like a pleasant enough girl, but he cannot forget who he is, and the way that Uncle has done his hair is scratchy, and feels wrong. (He is aware that Iroh had been sad earlier; here, in Ba Sing Se where Lu Ten died, he feels the melancholy but knows that it must be ten times worse for Iroh). Also, socialization is never something he has excelled at. Azula could charm a room, but he was never sure how to talk to people properly, how to make himself seem interesting.

When they go to the fountain, the sadness in Jin’s face stirs something inside of him. Her passion reminds him of the excitement he used to feel when his mother would take him to a play, the awe of finding beauty in simple things. He tells her to close her eyes and exhales, knowing that this is risky but also knowing that for the first in a very long time, something feels right.

***

The first time he is licked by a sky bison, it is in the caverns underneath a treacherous lake.

The Avatar had been seen in the city; looking for his bison, stirring up feelings in the prince that he cannot let go. Even though he has accepted their situation (barely), he cannot forget who he is, who he was, what his purpose is. (At the end of the day, he wants to go home).

Even he can admit that his plan is half-baked and severely flawed, but he cannot let go of the traitorous, maddening hope that has sprung up inside him at hearing that his long-elusive quarry is within reach. He incapacitates a Dai Li and sneaks into the hidden bunker, passing rows of women repeating strange things that he does not understand. When he reaches the animal, he can only stare in awe for a minute, never having been able to really look properly at a sky bison (after all, they went extinct with the air nomads, but then a lot of things have turned out to not be true, lately).

When Uncle finds him, it is with definite shame and disappointment lacing the elder’s voice. Uncle has only rarely reprimanded him before, and this is the first time that Iroh outright says that he should think twice before doing things, _traitorous things_. The bison stares at him, cowering away in chains. A part of him listens to Iroh, another part screams in protest, and still another part cannot help but stare into those big brown eyes; young, ancient, terrified, composed, and entirely dependent on him.

When he cuts the chains, the bison paints slobber all over his outfit (ugh, this will not wash out, will it?) and flies out of the cavern, leaving him and Uncle to make their own way out.

***

The first time he gets truly sick, he starts to hallucinate.

Even though the sages had proclaimed him weak at his birth, he had never truly been a delicate child. He had gotten sick, of course, but had also recovered quickly. Even when he had been banished, when his face had been on fire, his fever had not lasted very long. The recovery was arduous, but no physical illness truly ailed him. Now though, now he tosses and turns for an entire week, lost in a world he cannot control, cannot understand, cannot escape.

He does not know how to feel anymore. His guilt piles atop him, threatening to destroy him, but so does his pain, his determination, his ever present-desire to go home. Everything is swallowed by dreams; dragons speak to him and tattoos appear all over his body. Nothing makes sense anymore.

When he awakes, it is with relief that the nightmare is over and a realized calm that what he wants, what he feels, does not truly matter.

He is never going home.

***

The first time someone touches his scar, he can barely feel the touch of her fingers.

Katara (he learns the waterbender’s name) is a storm of contradictions. He is already off-balance, having seen his sister (who he wants to kill, who he wants to question, how did Azula know he was here?) when he tumbles into the cave to join her. She screams at him, taunts him, and he tries to shut it out, he does not want to go home in chains, oh Agni, he’s a traitor, he’ll be executed, no Father _wouldn’t do that_ , what happened to Uncle, he cannot think or reason. When she yells at him that her mother is gone, he feels a calm settle over him, and he turns to talk to her. His mother is gone too, he can empathize (isn’t that strange? Understanding a peasant). But thinking of his mother makes him think of home again, and the maelstrom of emotions threatens to drown him, the recent truths that he thought he had known all coming undone.

When sheepish blue eyes confess that they see his face as the face of an enormous enemy, something inside of him breaks. He knows how he looks, knows that the scar is not attractive, but it is difficult to reconcile the mark of pain with the hatred of his people (he tried to defend them, and he ended up shamed, but he cannot hate them). When she offers to heal it, his thoughts stop again for the second time in that cave.

Her hand comes to rest on his face, and blue eyes stare hesitantly into gold. He doesn’t stop her, but neither does he reciprocate. Distantly, he is aware that they are not allies, but in this moment, he cannot call her an enemy. Katara has grown since their first meeting and he knows that he himself is different, though different in a way he cannot begin to define. Before his thoughts can gather, before he can decide what to do, the tranquility is shattered by the wall blowing open. His Uncle appears, as does the Avatar.

Before the Avatar leaves, the child glares at him, clutching Katara possessively (that’s right, the boy is in love with her). Before Katara leaves, she gives him a glance, before walking away with the Avatar.

***

The first time he feels like a monster, it is watching Uncle get taken away in chains.

Even now, as he stands beside Azula, he does not know if what he did was right or wrong. He has no love for the Avatar, but watching Azula kill the boy was shocking, and disturbing (though part of him wonders if the child is truly dead). Katara’s eyes haunt him as well and he knows that the next time he meets the waterbender, it will not go well for either of them. He has felt guilty before, feels it now, but never to this degree. Uncle refuses to look at him, _monster_ , his mind whispers, y _ou betrayed the only person who ever stood by you_.

He tries to reason with himself; Uncle is a traitor to the throne. Uncle has been with him all these years as they fought to go home- why didn’t Iroh stand with him? He knows though, that this has never been fully true- he wanted to go home, but Iroh was often perfectly content wherever they were. Worse still is the bitter taste that he has abandoned Iroh for Azula. It is not that he does not love his sister (in some small way, he still remembers a child making sandcastles with him on Ember Island), but he also sometimes hates the girl before him, and he does not trust her, not really, but this is his only chance to go home again, his shot in the dark. After being in the crystal caverns with Katara, the desire to go home is the only one he truly can comprehend; the other emotions that he feels are still there, but he cannot understand them.

***

The first time he sees his home after three years, he cannot stop a sob from wrangling out of his throat.


	4. Chapter 3: if i am my own worst enemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Battle Cry" by Beth Crowley

Learning that his people love him comes as a shock.

His heart is skipping in his chest. Years of royal training have kicked in, instinctively telling him the best way to stand, how to pose. Below him the crowd cheers his name, a sound that he has not heard in forever (usually it’s hatred directed towards him). He still does not know how he feels; this is right, this is wrong. Outwardly, he looks perfect; the banished prince, returned triumphant to a joyful nation. Inwardly, he does not know what he is, but it is not perfect. There is so much threatening to choke him from the inside that he tightens his jaw and continues to wave with perfect poise.

If Azula notices the extra tension in his frame, she does not comment on it.

***

Learning that his father thinks he killed the Avatar is terrifying.

When he thinks it over, distantly, it is not a surprise what Azula did. From a tactical perspective, he can even understand the genius of her plan. No one would hesitate to blame the once-traitorous, banished prince if it turned out that the nation’s greatest enemy was still alive, but the perfect princess would remain untarnished.

Despite this, however, the most jarring part of the experience is his father. Ozai does not reprimand him, but rather welcomes him. For the first time in years, his father calls him son. His emotions run wild again, threatening to choke him, but he remains in his kowtow, does not think about what it all means, _later, later, do not fail your father again_.

***

Learning that Iroh will not even face him is disheartening.

He knows that his actions hurt his uncle, and he was not expecting Iroh to be happy, but still, can the old man not understand that he is finally back where he belongs? True, Uncle should not be in prison, but there is nothing he can do about that- _liar,_ his brain whispers, and he loses his temper. Lost in the storm of guilt, anger, confusion, he takes it out on his uncle, feeling disgusted with himself even as he cannot seem to stop yelling. Iroh has been with him since he was banished.

Now that he seems to have lost him, the hole in his chest continues to grow.

***

Learning that Mai still has a crush on him is confusing.

She is a part of his past, and they have both changed, but he can still see hints of the little girl who used to play with knives under her calm demeanor. Falling into a relationship with her is easy; he allows her to express herself in ways she never does, and she gives him a reason to focus in the strange new world he has found himself in. He does not know how long this will last, but it is pleasant, to plan picnics for her and try to see her rare smile. He cares for her. And if sometimes, he does not like it when she has no appreciation for his efforts, or if she cannot tolerate his emotional outbursts, then he tells himself that he is new to relationships, and that he will learn.

***

Learning what paranoia feels like in his new reality is jarring.

As time passes, he becomes more and more convinced that the Avatar is alive. He tries not to focus on it; the war is no longer his concern; the Avatar is dead; he has a girlfriend now; he is finally home. But he knows, that if it is discovered that the boy lives, then all of this will fall apart. He is still not sure how he feels, but he does not want to let go of this dream; three years is a long time to hope, to pray.

When he hires the assassin, he does not try to pretend to himself that what he is doing is even remotely right. Even if the Avatar is the Fire Nation’s greatest threat, he knows that the boy is still just a child. He is sending an assassin after a twelve-year-old boy, and he feels sick (adding to his already increasing guilt about yelling at his uncle in prison). But still, he tells himself, the end justifies the means.

He is home. He cannot ruin that now.

***

Learning that Ember Island is not what he remembered is angering.

The beaches are still as beautiful as ever (though the number of tourists from the mainland has increased), and the food still tastes amazing. But sitting by the dying fire next to Mai (are they together? Are they not together? She’s not pulling away, so they’re probably together), he cannot sort through his thoughts, cannot let go of the residual shame and anger he feels. It is almost freeing, to finally have a name to match with the emotional turmoil in his chest, even if a part of him knows that this is not all that he is feeling. Nothing makes sense and he fears, in some way, that being here has reminded him of long-forgotten words- _Never forget who you are_. Around him, he knows that everyone else is equally as worn out, even if they do not show it in the same way.

It has been strange, hearing the way that everyone feels. Even Azula, though she tries to hide it, could not disguise the lost little girl in her voice when she said that Mother thought of her as a monster. He tries not to dwell on that fact; Ursa loved Azula, even if their relationship was not always good. Sometimes, he thinks, he forgot that the girls surrounding him are not who he remembers. _Ember Island reveals the true you_ , he can hear the twins’ decrepit voices say, and he thinks that it has never been truer.

Later, when they leave, he does not hesitate to leave behind the stone imprint of his childhood hands.

***

Learning of his family’s history leaves him still conflicted, but strangely settled.

His Uncle has finally spoken to him; even if the words are not forgiveness, they still help to lift some of the weight off his chest, even though Iroh has only added more. The revelation of his mother’s history shocks him, and his view of her skews. He wonders now, whether that was why Ozai had wanted to marry her in the first place; he knows that Azulon had not fully approved of the match, and he recalls that his parents had never been very affectionate towards each other.

Good and evil; Iroh has attempted to clarify it for him, but the question remains: why does Azula not suffer the same battle? Staring up into the shadows of his bedroom later that night, he thinks that perhaps it is because Azula has never been as emotional as him, never been as feeling. He knows she feels, even though she hides it well, but there has always been something different about Azula, something that clings to her and wraps its tendrils around her heart and stares out of her eyes with a sharp, brittle smirk.

Her feelings may not show at all, but his past, his present, his struggle has been seared onto his face, a constant reminder. Good and evil war in everyone, but the struggle has always been stronger in him.

He turns his head to the window, remembering long-spoken words- _do you think we could have been friends?_

***

Learning of his father’s battle plan leaves him horrified.

He feels responsible- _the people of the Earth Kingdom are strong_ – but at the same time, he cannot say he is fully surprised. Sozin was, strangely, an idealist; the man would have been an excellent Firelord if not for his genocidal, world-domination plans, plans that over the past few weeks he has learned to accept as wrong. Recently though, he has found that much like Azula, his father is not all there; Ozai’s eyes gleam with a maniacal madness that makes Azula seem relatively sane. Objectively, aside from the horrific implications, the plan is a stupid one- why conquer when there is nothing to rule but ash?

But Ozai’s objective is not to conquer, nor to rule; it is to ascend.

***

Learning what it is to purposely remove a golden crown leaves him steadfast.

It is the day of Black Sun. He knows that the Avatar and his companions will attack today, knows in his bones that the boy hero is still alive. He knows that he has been running from himself, from what he was meant to do, and from where he was meant to go for far too long.

Today, he stops running.

***

Learning what it feels like to defy his father leaves him immensely satisfied.

In the minutes after his outburst, as he has turned to leave, he feels confident, proud. He does not kid himself that the journey ahead will be easy, but he recognizes, at last, that it is right, and when has he ever taken the easy path, anyways?

Behind him, Ozai sits silently on his golden throne; he would laugh at the expression on his father’s face, if he could. But not, Ozai is not truly his father, is he? Ozai has never properly loved his son; the moments when the boy was still a child hardly count, for love is adapting as people change. Ozai has never been there for him, has shamed and scarred his son, has tried to turn him into a monster, a reflection of Ozai’s own self.

But there is another, who has been a better father than Ozai ever could be, even in the moments when he wasn’t there at all.

It is time to break Uncle out of prison.

***

Learning that his mother may still alive shakes his new reality.

He has previously been careful to never say aloud that Ursa is dead, because that would make it more real; _what do you mean Mother’s dead!_ Discovering that he has in fact, been correct, this whole time leaves him off balance, even as he knows that Ozai is stalling, trying to get him to stay long enough for the eclipse to end. He is still gullible enough to fall for it.

His mother did not die. She was banished, like him.

He considers that Ozai is lying, but dismisses the thought immediately. Ozai rarely lies; not when he is so good at twisting the truth to serve his own purposes.

His mission has not changed; he must still find Uncle, find a way to stop this war.

But maybe, if he lives, he can find his mother too.

(When he redirects the lightning, he feels a thrill coursing through him; this is _good_ , and even though he knows he could end Ozai, he does not. That duty does not belong to him.)

***

Learning that Uncle has escaped already brings mixed feelings, but mostly, he is glad that the old man got out.

When he sees Iroh next, he will fall to his knees and beg forgiveness, but for now, he has another task.

***

Learning what it is to track the Avatar without hunting the boy gives him strength.


	5. Chapter 4: but lately i have dared to hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Battle Cry" by Beth Crowley

He knows what it is to kneel.

Despite being royalty, he has knelt countless times. In front of a grandfather who used him like a political piece; in front of a father who burned half his face off; in front of a sister who has tortured him more than once. He has had his face shoved to the ground, been forced to grovel at people’s feet, intimately learned the feel of having a boot connect with his chin as he gains a mouthful of blood.

Even so, he has never knelt like this before: arms outstretched, covered in bison slobber, waiting to be taken prisoner by a group who are all younger than him.

Distantly, he is aware that his heart is pounding incredibly fast, and that none of their weapons have wavered in their course. He thinks that he wishes he had spent more time practicing with the badger-frog, but then realizes that no amount of practice, of preparation could prepare him for this.

When they drench him in freezing water and send him crawling away, he cannot even pretend that he is surprised.

***

He knows what it is to feel dread.

He didn’t realize that the blind earthbender was there, nor did he notice until it was too late that his own assassin had attacked the group. He does not have time to waste, so he jumps to into action to fight against the assassin. (Something in the back of his mind tells him that this man really is a horrid assassin; what kind of paid mercenary tries to kill their employer before they’ve been properly paid? In retrospect though, the man had probably heard of the bounty on his own head; he does not doubt for a second that his own wanted posters have not gone up again, posthaste).

Later, standing before them (again) after having fallen off a cliff (again), his heart refuses to stop pounding _dreading_ but he refuses to back down. He will not leave until he has had a chance to properly explain himself to these people; if they still do not want him, he will go to find Uncle and beg for his forgiveness, beg that he be allowed to help, anything to play a part in ending this war.

To his surprise, they let him into the group.

***

He knows what it is to feel cold.

He has swum the channels of the freezing North; he has scavenged the South; he has climbed mountains to the highest snowy peaks, but he has never experienced anything so cold as the blue stare of Katara’s eyes when she comes to his room that night.

He doesn’t blame her for her ire against him; he has done many horrible things to her and her family, and a few words pledging to do different cannot change that. He knows, especially, that she is furious about the catacombs, and he feels another hot rush of shame, thinking back on his actions. They were not allies, and had never been on the same side, so it was not a betrayal like he had done to Uncle; but he knows that there was a connection and he had still hurt her, had made her doubt herself, made her to feel like a fool.

When she leaves, the threat of death hanging over him like a thundercloud, he cannot shake the chill from his bones, no matter how much fire he bends.

***

He knows that the Avatar’s name is Aang.

It is something he has known for a while, but had refused to call him by; it humanized the child when he could not afford to have a humanized enemy. Now though, as big grey eyes watch him steadily, trying to copy his movements, he realizes that it is impossible to continue attaching a faceless entity to a very human boy.

***

He knows that his inner fire feels weaker.

Aang and the Water Tribe boy- Sokka, his name is Sokka, are both watching him, and he knows that he needs to keep a lid on his temper, cannot afford to isolate his allies so early now, but he is frightened. Never has he felt surer of what he was doing, and yet it is now, when he needs it the most, that his firebending has chosen to abandon him.

Firebending is fueled by rage- this is what he has always been taught, and yet he knows that he does not have any rage, not anymore.

At the fire that evening, after Katara makes a cruel comment (the first of many), he stares into the depths of the canyon, wondering if his mission will be over before it has barely begun.

***

He knows that fire is life.

Never has he felt stronger, feeling the flames swirl around him as he and Aang stand back to back, surrounded by dragon fire. What a secret it is, that his uncle has kept all these years, as Ran and Shaw paint the heavens a plethora of vibrant colors, before retreating into their mountain home.

He understands, now, why his fire had been weaker, despite finally knowing his place, his purpose. He feels the power flowing through his body, but it is gentle, it is warm, it is life-giving. Next to him Aang laughs, cupping a tiny ball of flames in his hand. For the first time, the boy looks sure of himself; and for the first time he knows that he can do this, that he can be the bending master to the next Avatar.

Later in the temple, even as everyone in their strange group makes fun of him and Katara fires a shot that would normally hurt his testy pride, all he feels is relief.

***

He knows what it is to be accepted.

He hadn’t realized it before, what with all his pride and anger, but Iroh has always accepted him. They do not always understand each other, or agree, but they accept each other. Now, surrounded by the ragtag group that has learned to call itself a family, he begins to see that he could be accepted here, too.

He is not, not yet, but the possibility is there; in the way that they (mostly) accept his presence without constant watch, in the way that Toph has begun to force him to carry her everywhere in retaliation for burning her feet, in the way that Sokka spars with him, in the way that Aang calls him _Sifu Hotman_ , in the way that the Duke has begun to follow him like a tiny shadow, copying his movements with a small pair of too-long wooden sticks.

Katara alone holds a visible, demeaning grudge; but then, he cannot fault her for that, so he bears her barbs as best he can (after all, Azula has done much worse, and he has survived).

It is ironic that this realization of acceptance comes as he makes tea, setting aside an extra cup for an uncle that he does not know will ever want to see him again.

(His tea has improved though; that’s got to count for something.)

(Clearly though, he should never tell jokes again.)

***

He knows what it is to be imprisoned.

He has been in physical and spiritual chains before, of his own making and by the doings of others. It is strange then, that he does not feel the same frustration now, even as he remains trapped in a tiny cell barely big enough to stretch in. The warden had recognized him immediately (Mai’s uncle, he thinks, and feels a flash of pain for the note that he left her- he knows that she deserves better) and had proceeded to exact what he felt was due punishment for an untoward number of crimes.

Curled into a ball on the floor, he cannot fully stop the tears from leaking out of his eyes, as the welts on his back refuse to cool. (The red blends in with the raggedy robe of his prison uniform, but he is too tired to notice).

Yet, even as he lays on the floor in pain, he still does not feel the frustration. He knows that coming here with Sokka was the right choice, no matter the cost, because the other boy deserves to have a chance to get back the father he so admires (and he pointedly does not think of his own family, his own father figures). He knows that they will make it back to the others alive, because there is no other choice.

(Later, after they return, when even Katara cannot muster up a snide comment, when Hakoda shakes his hand, when the Kyoshi girl looks at him without the hatred that he has come to expect, he knows that he was right.)

***

He knows what it is to feel rage.

He is tired to his bones; fighting his sister (again) and almost dying (again) have taken their toll on him, and he wants little more than to crawl into his sleeping tent and never come out. But Katara seems to have found a reason to resume the rage that had temporarily cooled after he’d helped her father escape from prison. The waterbender is screaming at him, accusing him of betrayal, of broken trust, of ruined families that were broken when he himself was still just a child.

He is not unconscious of the fact that she is a master waterbender, and he is next to her by the ocean on a night when the moon is nearly full.

When she storms off, he sits on the nearby rock, trying to gather his thoughts. He understands her rage; no one who has ever met him would call him even-tempered, and he knows that she may never properly forgive him. But he had hoped that they were making progress; hoped that she could see that his actions in Ba Sing Se did not define him now; hoped that she could see he would never allow himself to forget the things he has done in the past.

What confuses him is the betrayal, but he does not feel he is in any position to argue with her over the logistics of allied enemies, of temporary cease-fires.

Her anger over her mother though, makes it clear. He is the target of her pain, her frustration, her hatred of his nation for what it has done to her and her people. He is the only firebender she has ever really known; aside from the glimpses of cold enemy eyes behind unforgiving masks, his face is the only one that she has had to attach to a viable target. (He thinks of her words back in the crystal caverns and fights the urge to touch his scar). It is not that she is not angry at him (because she is, she is), but she is also angry at what he represents.

Her rage has been simmering for years, and he is her only outlet.

When the idea springs into his head, and he runs to Sokka’s tent (later, he thanks Agni that at least the boy was clothed), he knows there is a possibility that she still will not forgive him; that she may never forgive him.

But he is so very tired of fighting with her.

***

He knows what it is to be still.

He has been trained in the art of stealth for years; he knows how to manipulate his body so that each movement he makes is finely controlled. Katara has not been trained as such, but they are on the water, so she makes up for her lack with a full display of her power under the full moon.

But, he has never seen anything as still, as unnaturally unmoving, as the way that Katara bends the captain’s blood.

He wants to ask her about it, but knows this is not the time; instead he thanks Agni that she has never used such a technique on him.

***

He knows what it is to feel wet.

Standing in the rain, as Katara held the monster at her feet, at her mercy, he was soaked to the bone, and only his firebending kept him from freezing to death. But it is later, when they fly back on Appa that he truly feels liquid soaking into his skin; crawling its way inside of his bones. Katara is too tired to steer but cannot fall asleep and is leaning against him; he can feel her tears drenching every part of him; he holds her closer, and tries hard not to think too much on the meaning of it all.

***

He knows what it is to feel relief.

But when Katara hugs him against the pier of his family’s summer home he realizes that this is not relief; this is forgiveness, and he never wants to let go.

***

He knows what it is to be prepared.

Coming home from the play, (he’d warned them, hadn’t he?) he knows that he is the only one who does not feel as shaken by the ending as the others. Fire Nation propaganda has been extensive over the course of a century; the people cheering for his demise do not know any better. It helps that there is a part of him that, even as he feels sure of the path he is on, has always known he may not survive this war. If Aang loses, he will be painfully, publically executed; no soldier would knowingly give him the mercy of a battlefield death, not after what he has done. Even if Aang wins, he could be punished or even executed by the other nations of the world as retribution for his family’s crimes. Uncle will be Firelord, he imagines, so should have some immunity; but there must always be a scapegoat, and if they win this war, it is most likely going to be him. (The lineage would pass to some distant relative, perhaps, or maybe Uncle can bear another child, but he is alright with this path if it means restoring balance, fulfilling his duty to his people and the world).

But unlike him, his friends (and isn’t that a pleasant feeling, there) have never experienced something like this. They have been mostly treated as heroes wherever they went, even at some places within the Fire Nation, and it is a shock to them, to have people screaming for their deaths.

He makes a comment to try and lighten the mood, and even though he doubts it works, the others jump on it easily, trying to use conversation to forget the sudden gravity.

Later Katara joins him, as he stares out over the water that night. He feels the echoes of that fragile, growing, thing between them that neither has been able to name; but he pushes it aside and takes comfort in her quiet presence, surrounded by her element.

***

He knows what it is to feel trusted, when the morning dawns and training resumes as normal.


	6. Chapter 5: only one will stand at the end of it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Empires", by Ruelle

There are 120 hours left before the comet’s arrival when Aang disappears.

Suddenly, he finds himself standing at the top of the stairs, looking down as his friends all look to him for advice, to lead; even Sokka, the self-professed guy with a plan. Everyone is without an idea but it is true; he is the only one with any Avatar-hunting experience. (He does not bother to tell them that it was mostly dumb luck).

He pushes down the traitorous feeling that the boy has run away.

(He knows the kid, that Aang would not abandon his friends, and yet, he remembers the look on the boy’s face when being told of Ozai’s insane plans (he really shouldn’t have waited so long to tell them, but he was scared, he was angry, he hoped they would never have to know how much of a monster his father is). He remembers the look that the child had when he told him that he would have to kill the Fath-Firelord. He remembers the frustration in his own voice as he yelled at the stubborn airbender, reminding him that the fate of the world is at stake here, that it is the Avatar’s duty to restore balance.)

Outwardly keeping ahold of his rising panic, he looks to the sea, into the rising sun towards the Earth Kingdom, and it is then that he begins to forge a desperate plan.

(It is not until many years later that Katara will tell him this, but she claims it was then that she truly realized the meaning of his title, fire prince).

***

There are 76 hours left before the comet’s arrival, and June has agreed to help.

Finding a nomadic bounty hunter had not been as difficult as he thought; the part of his brain that he’d hoped had blocked out the memory of Uncle’s doddering (yet grossly effective) flirting remembers a tavern that the woman had mentioned she’d liked to frequent.

Her nicknames are not half as bad as her innuendos, and he is certain that his face is beet red even as he protests and refuses to properly look Katara in the eye. He will not acknowledge that there could be anything there, because he doesn’t have time to sort out his emotions, anyways, and he doesn’t know what Katara thinks, and-

He’s getting ahead of himself.

After much yelling, cajoling, and bargaining, June is onboard, except that apparently, Aang cannot be found.

Before his friends can descend into complete chaos, his panicked mind alights on the one person who has always been able to help him when things got terrible, whether he realized it or not, and he pulls out Uncle’s stinky sandal.

They’re in the air before he can even contemplate his feelings on the matter; he _isn’t ready_ to see Uncle again but oh, how he _wants to_ , and he doesn’t know if he should even bother Iroh, but then he knows, that he has no choice.

He will do his duty.

***

There are 53 hours left before the comet’s arrival, and he is facing Katara on a bison’s back.

Neither of them are speaking; they do not need words to understand what the other is thinking. June dropped them off a few hours ago, claiming that his uncle is somewhere beyond the walls of the Impenetrable City. He is nervous, he feels sick, he is oddly calm, but through it all, a pair of blue eyes grounds him.

(They should be sleeping, he knows, but night is her element, and lately he has found himself drawing ever closer to her, even though he cannot explain it).

Later, when he can barely stand to sit outside his uncle’s tent, it is Katara who will remind him that Iroh has always loved him, and he squares his shoulders; he will not run.

***

There are 45 hours left before the comet’s arrival, and he is crying into his Uncle’s shoulder for all he’s worth.

He doesn’t remember the last time he cried like this; perhaps, when his mother was banished, but now he cannot help it. He did not expect Iroh to forgive him so easily, but Uncle only looks as though he will never let him go again, and Agni help him, but he’s never enjoyed an embrace so much in his life.

(Usually, touch makes him uncomfortable, uncertain of how to act, but here Iroh’s arms feel like coming home).

***

There are 44 hours left before the comet’s arrival, and his Uncle has finally gone mad.

Outwardly, he accepts the verdict; but inwardly, he is panicking. He is sixteen, for Agni’s sake, he does not know how to rule a nation. He assumed that Uncle would be Firelord and in the best-case scenario, he would be reinstated as a prince, as an heir; he is nowhere near ready to assume the throne. He has done so much wrong, and barely begun to atone. It seems unlikely that anyone would truly be willing to accept him as Firelord.

Privately, he wonders if it will even come to that; the boy that he has pinned all his hopes on is still missing, and his chances of survival appear to be dwindling by the minute.

Despite his doubts, he holds his head high.

***

There are 36 hours left before the comet’s arrival and for the first time in months, he is separating from his found family.

It is not complete, of course. Katara is coming with him, as is Appa (when did he become so fond of the fluffy monster?) But even so, he will miss the others; his new little sister, the brother he never had, the warrior-ninja who reminds him to sharpen his swords before they leave (even though they have made it a tradition now, to polish their weaponry together; sometimes Sokka will join them to show off his space sword, but they have made it theirs alone).

(He does not think of Aang; he can’t, not when he is equal parts terrified, worried, and angry towards the missing boy).

His Uncle gives him another hug, and in the hopes of getting a different answer (a better one), he asks the old man about his plans after the war. Iroh gives him a laughing answer about tea and Pai Sho, and he isn’t sure that his Uncle means it, but he smiles anyways.

When they are in the air, Katara comes to him and hugs him; she tells him that she is apologizing, for the overly harsh way she treated him back at the air temple. He starts to stutter, to tell her that no, he deserved it, she really doesn’t have to, but she cuts him off. This is the final countdown to the future of their world; she does not want there to be any more bad blood between them. He nods, acceptance, resting his head on her shoulder, and they sit in silence for a few minutes.

(Afterwards, they immediately separate; he cannot look at her for several hours again without blushing).

***

There are 2 hours left before the comet’s arrival, and the sky has begun to streak with red.

The feeling that has begun to flow through his veins is indescribable; it is a level of energy that he would never be able to achieve on his own. He shakes his head, dizzy with the onslaught, and it is only the gentle cooling touch of Katara’s hand on his arm that brings him back to the present.

When she asks him how he feels about Azula, he pushes it all aside. He cannot afford to think about his sister, right now. Rather, he tells her the real worry on his mind; that Aang will not come back, that Ozai will prevail with his mad plans.

She comforts him, but even he can hear in her voice the cracks at the edge. The girl who once whole-heartedly believed in the majesty of the all-powerful Avatar no longer exists; in her place is someone new, someone who cannot hide the worry and anger that she feels.

He reaches out to hold her hand, and they fly on in silence.

***

The comet has arrived when he stands in the courtyard of his childhood home, facing his sister.

He knows, _he knows_ , that it is foolish of him to take Azula on by himself, and he can feel Katara’s disapproval, but there really is something off about Azula. For the first time in her life, she looks unkempt, fragile, displaying the emotions that he knows she has always had, but never shows. The madness that has always surrounded Azula is more prominent than ever, no longer content to merely hide in the shadows of a sharp grin.

Looking at her, he feels a return of the big-brother instincts that had long been buried under self-preservation. He has always loved Azula, though he hates her, too, but seeing her like this makes him want to hold her in his arms and whisper that _don’t worry, it’s just a storm. I’m right here, see?_

But it is not a mere storm, and the fact the she is talking to the space between them is equal parts maddening, worrisome, and sad.

In the next instant, she shifts into a battle-ready pose, and he knows that the fight is on.

He is winning; he can feel it in his bones, horror and elation blending to form determination, as he pushes his sister, his little sister, closer towards the edge. Dimly, he is aware that Katara has taken cover somewhere, as have the fire sages and Appa; the flames they are producing are stronger than wildfire and twice as deadly. But all he can focus on is the fight, the inhale and exhale.

When Azula forms the lightning, he is ready for her.

When Azula throws the lightning, he remembers why he has never been ready for her; why she has always beaten him in the past.

***

The comet is directly overhead when he takes lightning to the heart for a blue-eyed peasant girl.


	7. Chapter 6: we live or die to take the throne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title is from "Empires", by Ruelle

His chest hurts when he wakes up.

The room is darkened, and he can just barely make out a pair of figures moving quietly near the end of his bed. All he can really register though, is the pervasive ache in his center, that is spreading out and causing tingles all over his skin. Honestly, he can’t remember the last time that he’s felt this bad.

It takes him a while to collect his scattered thoughts- why is everything so fuzzy? Something about his demeanor must alert the figures at the end of the bed. A light is produced from somewhere, and he can make out the comforting shape of Uncle, as well as the brilliant smile on Katara’s face.

(Well, he thinks it’s a smile, at least. There are creases on her forehead, and he is struck with a sudden urge to smooth them away)

Everything gets a bit fuzzy after that, but he stays awake long enough to hear that Aang has returned, and his father has been defeated.

***

His chest hurts when Toph sits on it.

His friends, his found family, have all gathered around his bedside when he wakes up for the next time. Even though she _must_ know that he’s just been injured, Toph is sitting directly on top him. Fortunately, not on his wound (he thinks he might have screamed if she were) but slightly lower, above his hips.

Despite the pain, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

***

His chest hurts when Aang tells him that Ozai is still alive.

The monk had given him a hug, and he’d (for once) returned it, too relieved to see the younger boy to start scolding him for unnecessary disappearing-acts. He’s still bedridden (Katara won’t let him leave his room) but he can sit up better now, and walk very, very short distances within the bedroom.

It is a good thing, then, that he is sitting down when Aang launches into his story.

It is a fantastical tale with a lion-turtle (but aren’t those extinct?) and floating islands, and battles of bending-will power but dimly, the only word he can focus on is _alive, alive, alive._

He almost lurches out of bed to go see for himself, but then hands restrain him at every angle; while Aang has been speaking, the others have merely been standing by, waiting to see his reaction. He can judge from the looks on the faces surrounding him that everyone else wants to know what he thinks, but the problem is that he doesn’t _know_ how he feels, he still can’t believe it. Even Aang’s voice seems to get a little softer as he waits for the verdict.

On the one hand, a part of him is relieved. Ozai is a monster, but he cannot quite bring himself to wish for his father’s demise. On the other hand, he is furious, furious that Ozai lives when so many died, furious that Aang has, _again_ , found a way to cheat the odds, furious that now Ozai is his problem (everyone knows that you never leave the deposed ruler alive; now he and Uncle will have an international diplomatic crisis to deal with atop everything). Another, still smaller part of him feels pathetically selfish; he wanted a twelve-year-old-boy to kill his father, just so that he wouldn’t have to deal with the problem himself.

But outside of his mind, everyone is still waiting for his verdict; across the room, Uncle gives him a knowing look. He swallows, and gives the order to have Ozai thrown into the palace dungeons; he cannot deal with the storm that is threatening to overflow in him right now.

Even he notices that his voice sounds a little hoarse, as his left-hand presses absently to his face.

***

His chest hurts when Iroh tells him, again, that he must take the throne.

He knows, logically, that Uncle has not been subtle about this. Over the past few weeks, in the confusing whirlwind of reinstating servants to the palace, giving an order to cease all fire and withdraw black-and-red armies, Uncle has, more and more, deferred these important decisions to him. At least, when he is awake; he can walk a bit more now, short distances, and recovery is _painfully_ slow, but he still sleeps a lot (which seems to please Katara).

But now, he is sitting across from his Uncle in one of his mother’s old tea gardens- _her moonpeach trees have begun to bloom_ -and the expression on the old man’s face is more serious than he has seen it in a long time.

Uncle tells him, gently, that it really must be him; that his Uncle once led a 600-day siege on the capital of the Earth Kingdom; that Uncle is getting older, and _no, he cannot produce another heir_ , and that the Fire Nation needs someone fresh, to lead them into a new world. His protestations fall apart as Uncle reminds him that he defended his people when he was still a boy–  _but there was so much pain, and shame, and anger_ –and that he has always had a good heart, and that Iroh will still be with him to help until he is strong enough to stand on his own.

His head lifts at that- _what about the tea shop_ –but Uncle says that he can easily open another one right here in the Fire Nation, and still assist the soon-to-be crowned Firelord.

***

His chest hurts when he goes to feed the turtle-ducks, later that night.

Not just a physical pain, but an emotional one too. He doesn’t like to think on it, but a small part of him had hoped that if Uncle had only taken the throne instead, he would be able to go search for his mother; now, Ursa will have to wait, because he cannot abandon his people right when the world is on the brink of so much uncertainty.

There are only a few of the turtle-ducks left now; it seems that while he was gone, no one had stopped Azula from roasting them as she pleased- but no, he doesn’t want to think of his little sister, who has been taken to the Fire Nation’s best asylum, who they say has gone even more mad. He will think of her soon enough; he will have a multitude of problems to think of, soon enough.

Right now, though, he feeds the turtle-ducks.

(Later, Katara will come to him, and offer to help him find Ursa when they can, anyways).

***

His chest hurts when he first sees the scar.

He is not ashamed of it- _not like other scars_ -but even he can admit that it isn’t very pretty. Ugly, arching, red, it covers much of his upper chest, directly over his heart, and extends a bit onto his stomach. He stands in the mirror, contemplating it, and decides that he can learn to live with it; he has done so before, he will do so again.

Behind him, though, he sees Katara’s face drop. When she tells him that she feels guilty, that she wishes she could have healed it; that he didn’t have to carry anymore scars (the implication is there- _what happened to your face_ –but neither comments on it, he will tell her one day, but not now) he takes her hand, and puts it directly on his heart.

It’s not a promise of anything more- _no don’t go there_ –but it is a reassurance. He tells her that he would do it again, that she is worth it, that he doesn’t regret it and besides, her waterbending saved him, didn’t it? They will save each other.

***

His chest hurts when he firebends for the first time, after the lightning.

The palace doctors (and Katara) have only just given him the all-clear and he is impatient; he can feel his muscles wasting away with every day that he cannot be in motion. At the crack of dawn, he heads out to the palace courtyard (he wonders if he should drag Aang along for more practice- it has become such a part of his expected routine, but no, he wants this time to himself) and strips off his outer robes. He is aware that the starburst on his chest is there for everyone to see, but this is the one scar that he will never be ashamed of.

He feels the energy of the sun flowing through him, and for the first time in weeks, he feels more settled.

***

His chest hurts when Mai kisses him.

Since he is more mobile, now; his coronation day was fast tracked- the people need a leader, and it has been a month since the fall of his father; they cannot delay this any further. There are decisions to be made, and even though he is the Firelord apparent, things must be made official; the Fire Nation has always been a proud people. He stands alone in his room, desperately trying to fit his royal robes over shoulders that still feel too small, when he hears the throaty voice at the door.

His face lights up, even as his head drops with guilt- _you forgot her in prison_ –but he accepts her help. When she kisses him, he is shocked, but supposes that he doesn’t really have the right to refuse her anything; he owes her so much, for saving his life. His chest hurts when she pokes him- has she forgotten that there is a barely-healed lighting wound on his chest -but he smiles anyways. He has a lot to atone for with Mai, and perhaps this is how he can do it.

(He ignores the part of him that says they are different people than they were before he left her with a note).

***

His chest hurts when Aang hugs him.

It is not so much a physical pain anymore, as it is an emotional one; but it feels relieving, the kind of ache one gets after a long workout. How many months, how many years has he spent, desperately chasing this boy? Trying to prove himself, trying to earn back a crown that now stands waiting for him, beyond the red curtains?

The hug feels like a release of so many of the things that have haunted him for so long; not all of them, he will carry some things with him for a long while; but it feels like a start. He knows he is on the right path, even if the thought of walking out those doors unnerves him, and he knows that he can do it.

***

His chest hurts when the sages place the crown on his head; but he stands to face his people, all the peoples, and their cheers surround him as he holds his head up high.


	8. Chapter 7: i'll write myself a brand-new story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "I am Not Nothing", by Beth Crowley

The crown feels heavy when he arrives in Ba Sing Se for the peace talks.

It has not been long since his coronation, only a few weeks; yet here he is, on Earth Kingdom ground, about to begin what could be the most important political negotiations of his career as Firelord. He is not ready, at all; but his friends are all with him (no one had wanted to separate, yet, and besides their collective presence is required as a part of the conference) and so is Mai, and his uncle. Over the past few weeks he has appointed some hasty advisors using Toph’s truth-detecting senses, as well as got rid of some of the ones who were die-hard Ozai loyalists (there have been grumblings, about that) and they are left behind, safely guarding his homeland as he arrives on foreign soil to do battle for it.

Here he stands, to represent the country that the entire world wants to see served on a platter.

Despite the weight on his shoulders, on his head, he stands strong; he will not falter now.

***

The crown feels heavy when he first hears the words: _boy-king_.

It is the first day of the conference, of the talks. He sits at the Fire Nation table in the large, rounded room in the Earth King’s palace. Next to him is his Uncle; but Iroh does not seem so much like a kindly, tea-loving old man now as he does the fierce general that he once had been. Across from him sits Hakoda (no, _Chief Hakoda_ , he will have to remember that now, that his friends are technically royalty) surrounded by Sokka, Katara, and the Southern Water Tribe warriors. (He had heard that there was a fight to get Katara to be allowed to sit there; he will have to ask her about it, later). Near Hakoda, to the left sits Chief Arnook of the Northern Tribe, and his men. The Water Tribes do not always agree, but they seem to have decided on a collective front, for this. To his right sits the Earth King and his advisors; apparently, it had been a rush to find Kuei and put him back on the throne. Next to Kuei is King Bumi (who he is a little frightened of) and surprisingly Toph, who had decided to stand with the old monarch (as the daughter of nobility, no one could really refuse her). Various other Earth nobility are scattered among them, as is Suki and the chief of Kyoshi Island. At the center of the room Aang sits alone, as both the Avatar and sole representative of a people not-there.

There has not been much progress in the way of anything. Rather the first day seems to be mostly affirming that yes, the Fire Nation has surrendered; yes, the war is over; yes, now we must go forward to the future. But the room is in an uproar; the Earth Kingdom nobility do not seem able to grasp that any of these facts are true, and many are outraged that the Dragon of the West sits on the council of Fire Nation representatives (not that it is really a council, being only him and Uncle).

But it is one of the Earth King’s advisors who stands and angrily points at him, blustering words about _boy-king, not fit to rule, son of the would-be Phoenix King_. It is clearly a ploy to see what they will do; to see if the fledgling new king will back down (so that perhaps the Dragon of the West will step forward, and they can flay him alive).

The room goes quiet as he stands, looks the advisor in the eye, and meets the challenge head-on; it is only his voice speaking now. He has his own misgivings about ruling, but he is here, and he will not run.

(Later, when he is shaking in his room from the adrenaline rush, Uncle tells him that he has never been prouder).

(Sokka tells him that he looked like a baby polar-leopard; he puts the other boy in a headlock).

***

The crown feels heavy when Mai breaks up with him.

They have barely been together at all, over the past few weeks, as he finds his footing. It is late, in Ba Sing Se and they have retreated to an upstairs room in Iroh’s tea shop (Uncle had apparently asked the owner if he could take over for the duration of the conference, and the poor man hadn’t dared refuse). Earlier in the evening there had been smiles and laughter; destressing after the first day of peace negotiations. Aang and Katara had disappeared somewhere, come back holding hands and his heart had fluttered, though he doesn’t want to think of why. Mai had been with them, but she had been standing apart from the others, not having quite fit in with their little family yet.

They are lying in the bed when she turns to him and tells him that this isn’t going to work.

He can’t quite work out his feelings now; he stares at her in shock. He knows that he hasn’t been as attentive to her as he should be, but it is more than that; it is all the things between them that they never speak of, never acknowledge. His resistance falters even as she sits up and runs her fingers through his messy bed-hair, where the crown would normally sit, and he understands.

They are not the same people as they have been; he has a country to rule, and she finds the politics boring; he has a family that she cannot quite grasp; they’ve never been able to have a real conversation without fighting, without hurting each other, without making the other feel off-balance.

He holds her that night and in the morning, when she is gone, he breathes out, and readjusts the crown on his head.

(None of the others comment on her leaving, though Katara stares at him from where she stands, holding Aang’s hand).

***

The crown feels heavy when the negotiations turn to punishing war criminals.

Ozai still sits in a dungeon cell, stripped of his bending, but for the peace talks he has been transported to a cell in the Earth King’s dungeon, guarded by six warriors; two from each nation). It is not just Ozai, though; there are Fire Nation ministers back at home who must face judgement, and even some Earth Kingdom folk whose conduct has been deemed inhumane (he shudders when he hears how General Fong had buried Katara, alive).

Briefly, one of the Earth ministers tries to accuse Iroh of war crimes; but even when he was an enemy general, his Uncle had treated his enemies with humanity, and that line of questioning is quickly shut down.

But the talks center mostly on Ozai; the others, it is decided, can be brought before a Council of the Nations after this peace conference; Ozai, however, is here, and his fate is the most important (Azula’s fate would be decided here too, except his sister is decreed too mad for judgement now, and there is a part of him that is secretly relieved).

They agree to hold a trial tomorrow; as the son of the man in question, he will not be allowed to judge. Uncle, though also a close relative, is deemed to be more impartial; his Uncle will represent the Fire Nation, and judge his father.

***

The crown feels heavy when he receives his father’s sentence.

It was not even a question, really. Ozai will be executed.

Aang, of course, is in an outrage, but he does not have the thought process to explain politics to the boy as they sit in the tea shop after the verdict has been delivered. The others are quietly talking; Sokka is attempting to explain how this all works to Aang, but he cannot think straight.

A small part of him, he admits, had hoped that the Avatar’s judgement could stand; that Ozai could be allowed to rot in prison for the rest of his days. (He also knows that the Avatar is still a child; his word cannot always be taken as final, especially on matters such as this). However, the larger majority of him accepts that this is how it must be; Ozai cannot continue, not in this new world they are trying to forge. His father’s very presence incites rebellion. He thinks of his Nation; there are still Ozai loyalists, without a doubt, but overall most of the Fire Nation appears to be relieved, that he is now in charge. They are willing to take their chances on an untested boy-man, for the hope of peace; of not having to send family off to die in an unreasonable war; for the hope that learning to cooperate with other cultures will bring a greater era of prosperity.

By some small mercy (but more likely a test), his father’s jury has decreed that he must determine the method, and location, for his father to die.

***

The crown feels heavy when his friends find out how he got his scar.

He hadn’t even meant to tell them- _not ready, he isn’t ready_ -but one of the Earth King’s ministers loudly starts talking to people about the 107th division, in the middle of a celebratory party as the peace talks come to an end. He and his friends are sitting at a nearby table when the woman walks by, telling her companions about how a group of Earth Kingdom soldiers was horribly defeated in the war some years back, but at least a small division of Fire Nation had been taken out too, and the crown prince had even been banished for it- didn’t you hear?

All eyes at the table (and others nearby) immediately snap to him. He can feel the weight of their questions seared into his left cheek, hanging off the golden crown that glints in his hair, permeating the air surrounding him.

Later that night at the tea shop, he tells them (in as few words as possible- _he isn’t ready to do this_ ) how it happened; tells them of the boy prince who tried to defend a group of soldiers that had died anyways. Uncle stands nearby, a hand on his shoulder, and the weight is strangely comforting.

No one speaks for a while after that; but if everyone dog-bear piles on top of him as they sleep that night, he is grateful all the same.

(And later, when they tell him that he doesn’t have to be ashamed of it, that it is a badge of honor, he finally starts to believe them, just a little bit).

***

The crown feels heavy when he signs the concluded peace treaty.

Even as he knows it is the right thing to do, he cannot help but wonder how it will be received in the Fire Nation. Heavy reparations have been demanded by all the nations; particularly the Southern Water Tribe. (In an ironic twist of fate, there is nothing from the Air Nomads; Aang is perhaps too young to bother, or simply cannot bring himself to fight for a lost people).

Katara and Sokka look apologetic, but he knows that it is necessary; aside from the Air Nomads, their people have been horribly decimated, and it is only right.

However, even though the reparations will cause heavy strain on an already-suffering economy that is built for war, there is still hope. It has been agreed that payment can happen over the course of years; even through manual labor. Fire Nation soldiers will be demilitarized, and sent to help rebuild places. Jobs can be created by redirecting other returning soldiers to re-invigorate the fishing and agriculture industry that had suffered during the war, as well as the textile industry, and the restoration of culture, among others. Trade agreements have been roughly laid out as well, meaning that the economy of the world’s most powerful nation will not crumble overnight.

He is taking away what has been a staple of his people’s livelihood for over a century; but he is giving them something new as well, and he knows in the end that it will pay off.

***

The crown feels heavy the first time that he is almost assassinated.

When he returned from the peace talks, his friends all agreed to stay with him for a bit longer; they will leave soon enough to go back to their respective homes (he does not want to think of it), but for now, his family is still together.

It has been one week since their return; his father’s execution is scheduled for the day after next, and a man comes at him in his chambers with a poisoned knife.

He almost misses the assassin; he is tired from a long day of deliberating with his council, and Toph had wanted him to help her dictate a letter to her parents (the Bei Fong family has been trying a new method of familial bonding- communication), and Suki had wanted to spar with him at the palace training grounds (it has become their tradition, now).

The knife grazes a long line down his forearm, but he dodges what could have been a greater blow, and incapacitates the man with a well-placed hit to the nape.

When his vision goes fuzzy, he barely manages to sound an alarm before he crashes to the ground.

***

The crown feels heavy when he meets his father’s eyes for the last time.

The assassination attempt on him had come at the behest of a general he had removed from power; an Ozai loyalist, who now stands awaiting trial by a Council of the Nations. Only Katara’s timely arrival had saved him; another thing that he will have to thank her for, though she has grown more distant of late as she draws closer to her new _sweetie._

Despite this, his father’s execution cannot be delayed; if anything, this has only expedited the need for it. He could not bring himself to give the harshest sentence possible, so here he stands, at sunset in the place he was crowned, waiting for his father to be beheaded.

The common people of the Fire Nation have been allowed to attend, to see the end of the monster that has driven their lives for so long. Additionally, there are representatives from all the other Nations. He stands at the front of the plaza next to his Uncle and his friends; Aang, however has begged off, and no-one had the heart to tell the pacifist Avatar that he needed to attend.

When his father is brought out, it is to an overwhelming chorus of jeers.

The sound is a little surprising- he knew that Ozai was not the most popular of Firelords, but it is surprising to see how the people of the Fire Nation react. Many shout curses, or spit in his general direction; they have not forgotten the lives lost at the hand of Ozai and his forefathers. They do not begrudge their new king for having to execute his shamed father; respect for one’s family is very important in the Fire Nation, but honor has always been a concept that defines the people of fire.

His father does not react to any of their taunting; his only course of action is to stare at his son, unflinchingly, even as the executioner lays his head on the chopping block.

When the axe falls, the sun sets on Ozai’s reign for the last time.

***

The crown feels heavy when he hugs Katara goodbye.

The time has come for his friends to return to their own homes. Suki was the first to leave, needing to bring her warriors back to Kyoshi. Sokka had been next; surprisingly, Katara did not go with him, choosing to stay with Aang; Sokka had left with his father and the remaining warriors of the Southern Water Tribe. Toph alone has decided to stay with him; she does not wish to return to her parents, not for some time, and declares that she will enjoy it more if she can continue cracking some Fire Nation skulls.

But now, Aang has decided to leave, taking Katara with him. They will fly to the Southern Water Tribe first, so that Katara can assist with the rebuilding of her people. After that they have not decided, but knowing Aang, the boy will not stay in one place for long.

He hugs the boy Avatar first; Aang has grown, is closer to his height than ever. He holds on tightly, which is something that he has learned to do after being extensively hugged by the people he now calls family, and wide grey eyes promise that they will not stay away for long.

Katara is next. He doesn’t know quite what to say to her, the blue-eyed water bender who has challenged him every step of the way; who has grown with him; who has threatened his life and saved him; who makes him feel things that he has never known how to feel, how to define. In the end, he can’t say anything, so he simply hugs her. She is soft, and fits perfectly into the shape of his arms (he tries not to dwell on it), and her hair smells like sea-salt and fire-lilies.

He doesn’t hold on for too long though, because Aang is nearby, and he has never quite been able to forget the possessiveness that sometimes glitters in those questioning grey eyes.

He stands in the courtyard long after blue eyes have flown out of sight; eventually, Toph forces him to move by swiping the ground out from under his feet.

***

The crown feels heavy when Song comes to see him, at the palace.

It is unexpected. When he had arrived back at the palace all those months ago (the first time in three years), he had sent her enough money for 3 ostrich-horses in gold. (It had been an attempt to assuage his guilty conscience, to soothe the storm of emotions fueling him at the time). Now, a month after his friends (minus Toph) have left, the peasant girl stands before him, and the weight of the crown on his head feels like a solid, tangible barrier between them.

Their talk is short; she has merely come to thank him for the gold, and she even smiles at him a little, saying that she forgives him for who he has been in the past. He can’t quite bring himself to hug her- even as she forgives him, there is a distance between them that had not existed when he had merely been a starving boy, and she a peasant girl.

But when she leaves, he feels grounded. Her presence has reinforced that as a king, his people do not serve him; rather he is meant to serve them. When he goes to sit on his fiery throne later, to receive the audiences of Fire Nation common-folk who bring a grievance before their king, her words, her smile, echo in the back of his mind and he listens diligently to each case that is brought before him.

***

The crown still feels heavy when he takes it off that night; but when he puts it on the next morning, it is already a little bit lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small note: I would like to apologize if the inclusion of Song at the end seemed out of place- I have always wished that we'd gotten see a bit of a finale between Zuko and Song, and I felt this could work as a place to help Zuko keep learning his life-lessons. But, I recognize that throwing her in there now is a bit random, so I do apologize if it shocked anyone.


	9. Epilogue: we're young enough to try to build a better life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Mars", by Sleeping at Last
> 
> Also, this epilogue is shameless, shameless fluff, and I refuse to apologize for it.

When he is seventeen, Uncle throws him an enormous birthday party.

The fall of his father had only been half a year earlier, at the end of summer; his birthday is deep into the middle of Fire Nation winter. His friends all come, of course, as do diplomats and leaders from around the world. It is the first proper birthday celebration that he has had in years, and it embarrasses him to no end.

Still, he cannot help but smile. The Fire Nation is still not fully back on track after hastily-altered economic changes, the world is still acclimating to peace; but here, underneath the fireworks he marvels at how far he’s come, even though he knows that he still has a long way to go.

***

When he is nineteen, an old woman knocks him upside the head, and offers him stewed sea prunes.

Katara and Sokka’s grandmother- _Gran-Gran_ , she insists -frightens him out of his wits the first time that he sees her after three years (not that he had known it was her at the time, when he grabbed her by the shoulder demanding to be given the Avatar, and he is still ashamed of that, but he is learning that he must forgive himself). It is his first diplomatic visit to the Southern Water Tribe; previously he had visited the other Nations, choosing to save the Southern Tribe for last so that they may have time to rebuild. Over the past few years it has grown, from a tiny group of ice huts to an expansive city that rivals its sister tribe. But what his eyes focus on as his ship docks at the new harbor is the stern old woman standing close to the front of the people who have come to welcome him.

His heart is pounding, but he gathers his courage and bows deeply to her, apologizing for all the ways he has wronged her. He is vaguely aware that Sokka is smirking somewhere, and even Hakoda is smiling (though he cannot see Katara), but he waits for the verdict.

When a mitten-covered hand smacks the nape of his neck, he is shocked-but-not-really, but in the next instant a rough, kindly voice is telling him that he should come and eat some sea prunes, because he’s looking a little thin underneath all those fur-lined robes.

He sputters (and in the background Sokka has devolved into full-on laughter) but he is saved from having to answer by a pair of bright blue eyes that come bounding out of the gathered crowd, stopping his heart momentarily.

(Katara has grown; there are more curves that he tries his very best not stare at, but her eyes have not changed since the last time he saw her, three years ago on the back of a sky bison. Later that night, as Gran-Gran serves him a second helping of sea prunes, he learns that Aang is not present; the Avatar is away, helping to settle a dispute in the Earth Kingdom. He cannot help but notice the way Katara looks down as Sokka says this, and he ignores the fluttering in his chest).

***

When he is twenty, he learns that the Air Nomads are still alive.

He and Toph (who has permanently decided to stay with him, in the Fire Nation as his adopted sister) are arguing over the best way to defeat an army of pheasant-squirrels (don’t ask) when Aang suddenly bursts through the doors of the palace, followed by a great many out-of-breath guards, babbling about lost airbenders and the balance of the world.

When he finally calms the boy down enough to speak properly, he learns that his great-grandfather did not, in fact, eradicate the Air Nomads.

If he thinks about it, it does make sense- the Air Nomads were, after all, _nomads_ , and it would have been unlikely that all of them were killed in one go a hundred years ago. He knows that there had been later purges of suspected airbenders, after the comet back then, but it seems that some escaped, because Aang has found a small community of airbenders living in secret, deep in one of the Earth Kingdom’s mountain ranges.

They are not ready to fully come out of hiding and rejoin the world; but he offers his full support immediately. Here now is another mistake of his family’s, that he can help to make right.

***

When he is twenty-one, Katara comes to the Fire Nation as an ambassador.

He invites her, of course, because he wants to see his friend again (they have begun exchanging letters more often, but it never seems to be enough), and because she has developed a strong head for politics.

Changing the views of her people on the role of women has not been an easy task; but the woman who stands before him has done wonders for achieving that goal, and he couldn’t be prouder of her.

She comes to represent her tribe, comes to live with him in the country that once took everything from her; when she comes, she is smiling, greeting him with arms wide open.

(Later, she will tell him that another reason she accepted his offer is that she has just broken up with Aang. He ignores the fluttering in his heart and asks her how she is. She doesn’t respond, but looks out of the window towards the setting sun over the ocean, and he thinks that maybe that is answer enough).

***

When he is twenty-three, Azula speaks to him for the first time in years.

Since the end of the war, his sister has withdrawn even further into herself. She rarely speaks, except to scream at the shadows on the wall, converse with the specters in her head. It took him a while after the war ended to gather up the courage to go visit her; but eventually he did, and now he has made it a weekly tradition. They sit in silence, drinking tea and staring out the window of her room at the asylum. Uncle occasionally joins them, but usually it is just him and Azula (and he thinks, that this is probably the best their relationship has been in a long time).

It is on one such occasion that she asks him if he would like some more honey in his tea.

Hands shaking (but barely, barely) he accepts, and they continue to sit in silence.

***

When he is twenty-two, he finds his mother.

As promised, Katara comes with him. He leaves Uncle in charge for a month, and they disappear, following a trail that has not yet cooled completely.

It turns out that Ursa has lived in secret for many years on a remote island that stands to the north of the Earth Kingdom. She has hidden herself away; but not from everyone- peeking out from behind her robes, as he stares at her from where he stands frozen on the front steps of her cottage, is a little girl.

His half-sister’s name is Kiyi.

(Later, his mother will not be able to let him go, as he sobs into her arms. He will listen carefully; clutching Katara’s hand under the table in the cottage’s kitchen, as his mother tells him a story of a second husband who died in a fishing accident; of desperately listening for news on her firstborn children, but getting too many conflicting stories; of trying to find a way back to her eldest son and daughter, but uncertain of how to settle her youngest child into a family that is still a little cracked at the edges).

His family is not healed, but he thinks, as the four of them make their way to the Fire Nation palace, that it could get there one day- especially when Kiyi asks him for a chicken-piggy-back ride to her new room.

***

When he is twenty-three, he hatches a baby dragon.

The Sun Warriors had called him back to the temple in a tizzy, spinning stories of cracking-eggs and dragon-mutterings from beneath a mountain; he doesn’t fully understand, but he comes anyways, alone as they requested (Katara had protested, but he promises that he won’t be long; his cheek is still tingling from where she kissed him before he left, but he doesn’t know what she _meant_ by it, so he can’t think about it).

When he arrives, they shove a golden egg into his hands and tell him to hold it under his robes, to keep it warm.

He feels a little awkward doing this, but behind the rows of armed Sun Warriors, Ran and Shaw have emerged from their caves and are watching him intently, with ageless eyes. So, he tucks the egg under his inner tunic, against the starburst of red skin on his chest over his heart, and he waits.

When a baby dragon crawls out of his hold, digging tiny claws into his neck and slithering a slimy tongue against his cheek, he cannot stop the grin from breaking out over his face.

Later, he will give the dragon a name: _Druk_.

***

When he is twenty-seven, he marries a blue-eyed waterbending princess from the Southern Water Tribe.

Over the past few years, as Katara goes back and forth between her homeland and his own, they have grown closer; finally daring to place a name to that thing that has always existed between them.

She has helped him to lead his people, giving him strong political advice and aiding him in making good decisions. At the same time, she has completed her own training in the art of healing, and now works extensively at various hospital programs that she has created in the Fire Nation, and worldwide. She pushes him to implement social programs that benefit his people. Moreover, she has become an ambassador to the world, finding ways to politically maneuver her way through international relations that would leave him wanting to set something on fire; she has begun to train younger waterbenders in all kinds of waterbending; she inspires people to be better, to be more, and he only grows further in awe of her, the more that he is privileged to know her.

He knows her in more ways than one, now. He knows how she laughs, spinning the falling rain around her when monsoon season comes in the hot summer heat of the Fire Nation. He knows how she cries, when she leaves the snowy poles of her homeland behind; but the tears are not always of sadness. He knows how she looks when she is furious with him, screaming at him for some fault; even as he screams back, the look in her eyes intoxicates him. He knows how she always gives a little hum when he slides into her, when he kisses her into their bedsheets before she flips him, pinning him down in ways that he never wants to escape. He knows how she looks when she falls asleep against his chest. He knows, especially, that she balances him perfectly; that he is the fire to her water, she is the moon to his sun, and their dance is eternal.

He kisses her in front of their friends, their family, the cheers of a thousand screaming peoples, and she kisses him back, twice as hard.

***

When he is twenty-nine, his first child is born.

He holds Katara’s hand through the labor, even when her grip is tight enough to shatter stone, and she is screaming all manner of obscenities into his ears. His mother stands on the other side of the bed, coaching Katara through the birth, as is Gran-Gran, the palace midwife, and a multitude of nurses. Outside in the hall, Toph is sitting with Kiyi- the two have grown thick as thieves. Uncle is there, as is Sokka, and their whole family. (Later, he will hear that Aang fainted, and Suki had to fan the Avatar with smelling salts).

When his daughter comes into the world, screaming her lungs out like a banshee, he cannot stop the tears from falling.

Katara beckons him closer, beaming up from where she holds their child in her arms, and he curls himself over the two of them, staring into a pair of blue eyes, and a pair of gold that mirror his own. His daughter has her mother’s curlier hair, though it is closer to black than brown, and her beautiful dark skin- but the eyes, the eyes are all him.

Later, when their entire family is in the room, he gives his daughter a name- _Katsumi_.

***

When he is thirty-nine, he sits next to the turtle-duck pond with Katara, watching as their four children (and one more on the way) chase a fully-grown Druk around the garden; his Uncle is making tea for his mother and Azula; Toph and her new girlfriend are keeping Sokka and Suki’s youngest son entertained; Aang is showing Kiyi how to firebend.

His story is not over yet, but he wouldn’t change a single thing about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the end! It's been a bit of a trip, but thank you to anyone who's read this far- it means the world to me. I may come back at some point and make this part one of two, wherein part two would focus on little rabbles surrounding Zuko's life as the Firelord, as a father, as a husband, etc.- but for now, this is complete. 
> 
> Some small things to note:
> 
> Katsumi means "to overcome" in Japanese- at least that is what my Googling informed me of, and I felt it wrapped things up rather nicely. 
> 
> In this Toph is bisexual, and proud of it. 
> 
> Thank you, again, for reading! :)
> 
> I have never properly read the comics, because I couldn't bear to, but Ursa's story is my own twist on them. I hated how she erased her memories, but I did love the idea of Zuko gaining another sister. So, I twisted things around a bit. In this, you can imagine that Ikem is a random man who Ursa loved after she left Ozai, and they had a child, but he died, and now Ursa has raised Kiyi alone. But when Zuko finds her, of course she goes to live with him back at the palace, and Kiyi is overjoyed to have a new family. 
> 
> The Kataang and Maiko in this story is very minor, and I hope that no one seemed too out-of-character with regards to that. I tried to play with canon while still making Zutara endgame, and well, I hope it worked out alright.


End file.
